Why “Go to your Room,” Does Not Work?
Kids, Teenagers look up to their parents as role models. Here’s how to keep up your end of the bargain.
I’ve seen this countless times, both in real life and on T.V. A heated, endless debate between a teenager and her parent. And just as the argument climaxes, head butting (metaphorically speaking) increases, the parent always yells out,
Go to Your Room Now!
The teenager glares and he/she rushes off to her room, in a gesture of respect toward the parent.
Has the parent won? They think they have, but having the upper hand, they always say those famous lines, “My house, My Rules.” But in reality, the parent has miserably lost their power to their teenage son or daughter. Kids have heard these clichéd sayings many times. It’s what parents eventually do, when they are fed up. They give up by ordering their teen to their bedrooms.
Confinement or time-out by yelling at your teen in this manner almost never works. They resent having you as their parent, although they love you at the deepest level, they are usually frustrated and desperate to reach out to you, to communicate, to explain their side. They want you to “put yourself in their shoes.”
When parents don’t do this, the teenager gets exasperated even further. Some teenagers even yell out, “I HATE YOU!” glaring down their dad or mom with baleful eyes.
Parents must do well to remember that they did the same shenanigans growing up or even worse. But you cannot necessarily compare your own childhood to your teenager’s present, because there is a good 15 to 20 year gap. Things have changed big league since you as a parent, were a teen. It’s not the same what you experienced, what your teen is experiencing, today. That’s called the “Generation Gap,” when you cannot and fail to see eye to eye with your teenager.
What is required is to rather try and use inside room voices, sit down in the living room and discuss the issue at hand, then make a set of agreeable rules, as to what you expect, how best a compromise can be reached between your teen and you both (mom and dad). Your teen wants to explore, live life, find out their identity. And you cannot do your best to stop them at every turn, stop them from making mistakes (small or big) and stop them from living their lives. If you did this without having a rationale chat, your kids will possibly hate you for it.
Why the living room? Because sitting behind a dining table, will not give full access to everyone’s body language. And do not bring up highly sensitive topics to discuss while having dinner. Things may get out of hand and children may storm out leaving their dinner half-eaten. As a parent, let them eat their food in peace. Discuss positive things around the dinner table.
I am no parenting counselor or expert. However, I know that yelling is not the answer. Arguing the issue is futile because that’s when no one listens. Instead say to your teen, “We can call it to court.” Calling it to court is when you tell your teen that you will be reasonable by being judge, presiding over their teenage life issues. Your teen must be trusting and accepting of you as judge to dole out a fair ruling that satisfies them as the plaintiff. But they cannot be trusting of you, nor expect you to be their judge if you constantly yell, harass, use swear words at them, are given to drugs, drinking, and verbally or physically abusing them all the time. That trust factor is out the window.
Put yourself twenty years back. Now, consider how times have changed since then. What issue is your teen facing in society and among his/her peers right now? How can you as a parent help your teen navigate society’s troubled and poisonous waters? What is your role as parents?
Your role as parent is to guide them, not have a yelling match. When you resort to yelling, it gives clear signals to your teen that you are losing the battle, and being unreasonable at the same time. It also throws suspect your role as a parent. Teens can yell, parents must not.
When’s best to lay the ground rules is to discuss them at the dinner table, foreseeing a future conflict and how best you both (parent and teen) can handle it.
It’s like before I used to enter the grocery store, I went down on my knees to his level, leveled eyes with him, and used to tell my son, “We are going to buy things we need for the home, but I don’t want you to yell or cry and make a scene asking for candy, is that understood?” And he agreed. Setting prior expectations like that, he never once made a scene. There were a few times we were at the counter and he tried asking me, “Dad, can I have a candy?” And I said “Remember what we spoke about?” He nodded and did not ask again. It worked. It does not mean I did not buy him candy. I did buy him candy or ice cream when he never expected it. So I did take care of his sweet tooth, and that kept him a happy kid. He did not throw a fit or a tantrum at the counter, where most kids I’ve seen, do, when they see the “Impulse buy” candy bars stacked in beautiful rows to tease and tempt everyone, even the grownups. Sometimes, I purposely took him to the ice cream case and got him the ice cream he wanted (mint and chocolate were his favorites) or the candy he liked (with a limit on what he can buy 1 to 2).
Today, my son is 23 years old. He’s been reasonable most of his growing and teenage years and we have always discussed issues he has faced. To the best of my memory, I have not yelled at him and he has never said to me, “I HATE YOU!” Things have always been civil between us.
I always discussed things with him way before hand on how to handle issues if they arose, while sitting at the dinner table, or when we drove in the car somewhere, listening to music. And when you begin to talk you can turn down the volume of the music, they won’t mind. It is those quiet moments when your teenager is the most receptive and will listen IF you talk to them. But if you allow them to put on headphones or constantly be on their phones, then you will have lost the opportunity of tackling any issue head on, before it becomes a full blown problem and leads to a yelling match.
So as parents you both have to think up of potential problems that can happen and discuss likely solutions to them that your teenager can live with. Also discuss with them the issues they presently face and offer them a set of options, possible solutions. They will begin to realize, see first hand that you are trying your best to become involved in their lives, and will secretly admire and appreciate you for it.
I hope this article will help parents become closer to their teenagers and help guide them through life. Life is great when there are fewer quarrels, tantrums, and I hate you, phrase matches. Thank you for reading.
